12/2/2018 0 Comments here comes decemberWell. It's not how we expected to start off December.
This past week we lost a very dear friend to us. It's been a very emotional week. We've had endless conversations about the unfairness of death, our own mortality and so many memories of Joe. He shaped our lives and transformed our faith in such profound ways. He stepped in to fill massive voids in both of our lives and loved us through some pretty rough stuff with both our families. He saw us when everyone else looked right past. And yet, the thing I will miss the most is his absolute love of Jesus. And not the 1990's preachy Christian love of Jesus. But this visceral, unavoidable, contagious love of Jesus. Reuben and I both grew up in more legalistic reformed traditions. I gathered a lot of good things from my church growing up. But somehow it all still seemed to be about traditions and less about... living. I would go to youth conferences and ''feel that fire'' for a few days. And then go back. Following the order of worship, signing the same songs and just, going. I started attending Redeemer because it felt safe and known. A Reformed Christian university. And then I met Joe. Only God could have brought me to his house that night, something I would never have done normally. But boy am I glad He did. Joe truly lived out the faith. He was an incredible teacher who brought Biblical truths I could recite in my sleep to life in ways I couldn't ever have imagined. I was hooked. I started to want to read my Bible and delve deeper into what it said. I wrestled with huge faith 'issues'. And I hungered for what Joe had. It also helped Joe loved exploring the Old Testament, especially Leviticus, and how Jesus truly filled all the prophecies. He brought in live animals to church, loved talking about the sacrifices and showed us so many Jewish traditions. Totally appealed to my nerdy history side. He was the hands and feet of Christ. He very rarely preached at you. But would show up in the darkest moments, bringing laughter and prayer. He didn't just offer pat condolences through our loss, but wrestled through the unfairness of life with me while I ugly cried everywhere. He sent Reuben and I on dates to just spend time together. He gave out care packages to university students after church to literally any student who walked through the door. And he always found time. Him and his wife Heather had this perfectly imperfect life with 4 kids, a demanding job and an open door policy to everyone. EVERYONE. And boy did he force me out of my comfort zone. I served under him as a youth leader. It wasn't enough that I came out on Wednesdays nights. If I wasn't able to participate in some way with the youth outside of Wednesdays, either by watching a school sports game, having before school breakfasts, or hanging out after youth ended talking about life, it probably wasn't the right fit for me. So I did. And when serious conflict issues came up he refused to let me run away and avoid. But because he so desperately loved people and so wanted us to see the world as Jesus did. I watched him love some of the kids in youth that made me want to poke my eyes out. I watched him love these kids through drug addictions, broken families and trouble with the law. I watched his heart break for them but also watched him do things for them. Showing up at the most uncomfortable places, to serve. I had the opportunity to go on two mission trips with Joe - to Rwanda and Arizona. I will NEVER view short term mission trips the same again. And I watched him transform my husband's heart. Reuben became an amazing Christ follower serving under Joe. Because Joe loved Jesus, loved him. He made us want to love him in the same way. Joe saw Reuben's self worth and pushed him to be all he could through Christ. And the best part is, Joe wasn't doing it because he had to or it was his job. I don't think Joe could have stopped if he wanted to. I don't know how to describe how contagious his faith was except through how he lived, with chutzpah. We struggled these last few months as Joe's cancer took over. I've struggled with anger. I've struggled with the unfairness of it. And I've struggled with the concept of trying to live a life without someone like Joe in it. The world seems darker and somehow less safe. If I had a crisis of faith, I went to Joe. If I needed prayer, I went to Joe. And through it all both Joe and Heather absolutely humbled me with their grace and faith. They both continued to pray for our struggles even though they were fighting the biggest one of all. They rejoiced with our achievements and good days and cried with our brokenness and failures. They asked about us even though they continued to receive the worst news. I know in my heart Joe is where he has always wanted to be. And I need to tell myself that over and over as my heart is overwhelmed with sadness. When I start to think of Heather's unimaginable pain, their kids living without their dad, I need to tell myself that over and over. Now comes the awesomeness of trying to celebrate Christmas with sadness. Ugh. And explaining death and funerals to the kids. Explaining why Mommy and Daddy are ugly crying over someone the kids don't really know. But Reuben reminded me just this morning that it's okay to hurt this bad. It means we loved someone. Hard. And that there are so many people in our lives we love like this that are still here for us to enjoy. So as we start this Christmas season (I promise I have so many posts to write that aren't depressing!!), start our advent calendar, start our Christmas parties and traditions, we are reminded again why we celebrate.
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